So here I am, going about my business when out of the blue I have been reminded that my oldest kid is about to turn 20. And this mildly shocking truth has me staring into space yet again wondering, how on earth am I the one in charge of this life, these kids, this responsibility? I feel like I am in the midst of an out-of-body experience where I am looking down at myself and the fully actualized story surrounding me and I just can’t believe it belongs to me. I mean who ever really feels adequately prepared for adulthood nevermind parenthood? Sometimes I think I am somewhat in denial about my reality. Not that I want anything else but mostly because I worry about my competence. It’s one thing to make bad choices for your own life but to have such enormous influence on children… Let’s face it, I usually feel like I am just winging it at the best of times and then there have been the occasions when some child has experienced some larger, more scandalous lapse of judgement and I found myself completely voice-less and paralyzed, true story. I was so lucky because that particular reaction scared the bejeebus out of my kid so completely that punishment was almost unnecessary…Almost.
But I guess life is like that. Every venture is a learning opportunity and hopefully, I have gained some new skills for the next inevitable crisis. And honestly, it hasn’t all been brimstone and hellfire. Oftentimes things work out just fine, mostly daily life falls into our brand of harmony and we enjoy a status quo of equal ups and downs. Just every day stuff. So far we have survived, we’ve grown, learned some things and had some laughs, the kids became cool individuals and tada… 20 years have just gone by and I find that a remarkable milestone.
For myself I guess from time to time I just worry that everyone else looks like they have life sorted out. And my mistake is not thinking that others actually have their shit together but that I would ever really want that anyway. Truly, where’s the fun in that? Haven’t I claimed in other letters that life’s unpredictability is what makes the mundane bearable, exciting even? OK, maybe not right away… but all the trials keep us frosty for the next adventure and give us great stories to tell when we catch up with one another.
So a very Happy 20th Birthday my dear. I hope you have a few skills under your belt to help you through whatever comes your way but don’t worry if you feel under-prepared, overwhelmed or stuck or lost because we are all just going through life trying to get the hang of it and apparently, you are never too old to stop having to try and figure it out!
May the Luck of the Irish be with you this month!